Writers note: the reason for this article is because of some conversations I have had recently with friends as well as an article my sister-in-law shared on Facebook about sisters who don’t serve missions and what they want you to know.

I feel strongly about how people are treated in these circumstances and plenty of others and don’t think they get addressed enough.

I first have to say that I hope all of you know that I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and have been my whole life.  I served a mission, got sealed in the Temple to my beautiful wife and have a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  I have to point out that this piece has nothing to do with the church or its doctrine, but some things that I and others have experienced while at church or from other church members.

While we all want to return to life with our Father in Heaven , the path which we take to get there is significantly different.  If we all had it the same, then everyone would go on a mission, get married shortly after returning home, pop out plenty of children while making good money, helping others, serving both in and outside of the church and taking the journey without many hiccups along the way.  But, of course, this is not a fairy tale, so that’s not how it works for the vast majority of us.  And even if it does, there are many challenges along the way.

Some can’t, don’t or shouldn’t serve missions (for whatever the reason). Some get married much later in life or not at all while others get divorced.  Others can’t or won’t have children.  These things will be the focus of this article because these are the things which I find that some members just don’t understand.  And the way they approach these situations is even worse.  I speak from personal experience in many of these situations and have tried to do my best to let these things roll off my back.   I have noticed in the passing few years that these kinds of conversations happen far to often and are very hurtful to many, even though no offense was intended so they need to be talked about.

Missions

I was lucky enough to serve a mission and it was a great thing for me.  That being said, a mission isn’t meant for everyone.  With the new ages for missionaries being moved from 19 and 21 for men and women to 18 and 19, far more sisters have decided to serve.  That is wonderful for the growth of the church and for the testimony of many, but it isn’t a necessity and should be never treated like one.  Sisters have the right to choose whether they will go or not and should not be pressured to do so.  They all have their own reasons and their decision is between them, their families and the Lord.  It is not our place to judge them because it isn’t their calling to serve in such a way at this time in their lives.  It doesn’t mean that they are any less faithful than you or I and we should not judge them in such a way (or any other way for that matter).

Marriage

While I dated a fair amount, I didn’t find my darling wife and get married until I was 33 years old.  By then, most of my friends from high school had a handful of kids and some already had teenagers.  During that single time in my life (which I absolutely loved) I got asked many questions that plenty of people deemed inappropriate and offensive.  They were questions from, “why aren’t you married?”  and “what’s wrong with you?”  all the way to questioning my sexual preference because I hadn’t found my match.

While the level of offensiveness of these questions varies a great deal, they are all inappropriate to ask anyone (especially someone you don’t know very well). But, somehow, I was asked all of these questions on a regular basis.  I usually reacted by messing with the person asking me so that the subject would be changed.  After all, I didn’t think there was anything wrong with me and I surely wasn’t going to get married to someone who wasn’t right for me just for the sake of following expected Mormon social norms.  That isn’t how it’s supposed to be and I wasnt going to mess with it.  Sometimes, some of us just have to wait a little (or a lot) longer to find the one we are supposed to marry and that has little if anything to do with worthiness or testimony.

Divorce

While it is frowned upon in most instances, divorce is a necessity in some situations and is for the betterment of those involved.  It’s not our place to judge what those right situations are, or what happens to those people moving forward.  How can you place blame on someone who is strong enough to get out of an abusive situation and tell them they have no chance for eternal success because of it?    After all, the Lord wants us to be happy and would never subject us to something like that without the opportunity of a way out.  In my personal opinion, just because someone is granted a divorce doesn’t mean they are limited eternally.  If you are one of the people who thinks that it does, then keep it to yourself.  You have no idea how many people you hurt and offend by saying such silly things.  It is not your place to judge so you should not try.  They are already going through a brutal experience and don’t need you piling on by saying something that you don’t know.

Children

This is one of my favorite topics (tongue planted firmly in cheek) to talk about.  I have been married for four years at this point and haven’t been blessed with any kids as of yet.  I am okay with that.  To me, it means that it just isn’t our time yet.  But, others clearly feel a different way.  I get asked on a regular basis why we don’t have kids and if we want them.  Frankly, that is nobody else’s business other than my wife and I.

I have also been told (very bluntly I might add and in the middle of church) that the church frowns upon birth control.  That is one of the few times where I actually took offense.  After all, the guy who said it to me didn’t know anything about us.  Not how long we were married, if we were trying to have kids or if we can.  He didn’t even know my first name, yet he felt so bold as to say something like that to me.

Sadly, however, that isn’t the worst thing I have heard in this situation.  I have a friend who had been trying to have kids for some time with no luck.  In fact, they even had a number of miscarriages.  During this enormous trial in their life, someone had the gall to tell them that they must not be following the commandments if they didn’t have kids.  How hurtful can someone be? We shouldnt ever think to say anything of the sort.  That isn’t Christ-like in any way.

I know for a fact that the Lord loves his children.  I also know that we all face different challenges in this life that are meant specifically for us, that only we can handle.  I also know that we are here to lift and help one another to get to where we want and need to go.  We aren’t here to judge and break down others when they need us the most.  It doesn’t matter what your intent is when you ask someone about these very sensitive topics, it wont come across well and may damage the testimony of the one we are speaking to.  Especially if you don’t have a personal relationship with that person.  We need to be more sensitive to those around us to what they are going through.  This life is hard enough, why make it more difficult for those around us who already have huge trials and challenges facing them everyday.