My View from the Drivers Seat

I know that this is outside the normal realm of what I write about but I feel I need to address it anyway.  I do a ton of city driving every day for work and have noticed a number of things that drive me absolutely crazy.  People just don’t make any sense when they are driving or even walking around and here’s why.

  1. Most people have no idea what a turn signal is or how to use it.  The ones who know of its location think that it’s optional to use it.  WRONG!  You need to signal every time you change lanes.  This is so the other idiots around you know of your intentions.  It is much easier for me to slam on my brakes when you are going to cut me off if you signal first.  That leads me to another point.  Just because you signal does not mean you can change lanes right away.  If I’m right next to you, you have two reasonable choices.  Either you slow down (which I don’t recommend because there is a good chance another driver is already riding your bumper) or you speed up.  It’s important to note that there must be enough space between the cars in the other lane for this maneuver to work.  There is a third choice however that a great many of you decide to take, which brings us back to my original point.  You actually change lanes right away, without even looking.  When you make this ever so wise decision (NOTE THE MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF SARCASM) you then add to it by what most of you do next.  When I see your brilliant choice, I do what all smart drivers (there are very few left) do, which is to honk my horn.  This is meant as a WARNING.  What my horn is TRYING to say to you is, “I am right next to you and do not want to be hit right now. Please look next to you and see that I am there.”  Most of you change lanes anyway and then give the magical one finger salute.  This is also the wrong choice (shockingly enough).  Since you didn’t look in the first place you don’t know two things about me.  The first thing is that I’m huge and the second is that I’m not very happy right now.  The reason that I’m unhappy is not even for the reasons you would think.  I’m not pissed that you cut me off or even that you flipped me off. Its what most of you jack-holes do next.  You decide to be the dumbest person alive and hit your brakes after cutting me off.  This is also UNACCEPTABLE .  I however am seasoned in these matters and know that you are going to pull such a move.  If God intended for you to drive with you head up your Butt he would have made you much more flexible.  Be grateful that when I pass next to you in the upcoming feet that my only response is that nasty glare I give you, because believe me I am wanting to do much much worse.  We will leave what I am thinking up to your imagination.  Please be creative, because I am.
  2. Wearing clothes that are not big enough for your body.  Now I know you are all thinking, why is he talking about this with his driving rant?  Well that is simple, its now summertime and I see plenty of people walking around.  The classy business men and women who dress so impeccably know exactly what clothes to wear and how they fit.  The rest of you don’t have a clue.  If you weigh 270 lbs. you should not be wearing a smedium.  Never at any point in my day do I want to see your bellybutton or the contents of which it possesses.  Nor even in my worst nightmares do I want to see you sniffing said contents.  Chances are I have just consumed something for lunch and am now about to see it again thanks to that last move.  Also, what is the point of wearing a belt if your waistband is still around your knees?  I don’t know why any of you think this is cool.  You can barely even walk and are pulling up your pants almost the entire time.  Now onto the young ladies.  Spandex and halter tops are meant for the gym, especially for those of you who know the guy at the fast food drive thru by name.  Spandex is not meant to have fat rolls nor have my eyes ever wanted to see that.  I am not a fan of regurgitation and this is one of the things which causes that impulse.  Now you must be thinking he can’t say that!  Yes I can, because I’m a big boned fella who knows how to cover up (except for in front of my wife (but she knew what she was getting herself into long ago)).  Every time I see one of these instances, I’m tempted to throw one of the shirts or sweaters that is shoved in the front seat of my car at you so you will cover up.  If you decide that the best leg wear for your body is the pants that hang around the knees, I have another bone to pick with you.  Please make sure that your boxers/briefs are at least at the proper level.  The butt crack is not an attractive thing to me nor will it ever be.  I have a few reasons for this.  One is that I am not enticed by man cleavage.  Two is because of those ugly stray hairs that come out the top.  YUCK!!!  I’m sure that the man upstairs never meant for anyone to ever see this, at least not a random stranger.
  3. Those of you who drive with your favorite pet in the car and decide that they need to sit on your lap need to be put down.  That is what is going to happen anyway if you get into a wreck and your 40 pound Dalmatian smacks you upside the head as he’s flying around.  Are you so starved for companionship and affection that you need to have your furry friend on your lap at all times?  If so, you need to get your spouse to kiss you periodically.  I have no issue with your dog being in the backseat with its head out the window.  While there, they are not impeding your ability to be a safe and cautious driver.  However, if they are on your lap, or in a passenger seat, with their head out the window, your mirror visibility is almost non-existent.  Now I know most of you are saying what mirror?  We’re not talking about the thing that you stare into for hours in your bathroom while you get ready for the day.  You’ll be shocked to know that your car has three of these things!  The one that you check your makeup in, or use to scream at the children and the ones on either side of your cars front doors.  These are very useful tools.  If you learn how to use these properly (without your freakin’ dog on your lap), you’ll be able to go throughout life without getting carpel tunnel in your middle finger or causing too many accidents.

If you follow these simple steps, you will make your life that much easier and the roads a safer place to be.

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