The Injury Report

I’ve played sports my whole life and always played really, really hard.  Because of that fact I have managed to get some crazy injuries.  Since I have nobody telling me what to write I thought I would periodically recount some of my most entertaining accidents and injuries. I will start with one of the best.
I played indoor soccer in Provo for a few years and always had a good time. We started in a really low division,but as we got our skills back we kept moving up. By the time we had moved to the Peaks we had made it to the premier division. On the night of what I now refer to as THE KICK we were short-handed but playing great. The game was for first place and we were up 7 to 2. The other team was playing very physically but it didn’t do much good. Some of them were already really frustrated when one of their defenders went shoulder to shoulder trying to play the ball. Our forward Craig won the ball knocking the defender down in the process. He got called for a foul but the other team still went nuts. Their keeper totally lost it. He ripped off his Jersey and threw it to the turf. My little brother Kyle picked it up and brought it towards me saying if you don’t want this shirt my keeper can use it. He tossed me the Jersey but as I was giving it back the other teams bench cleared. Most of their fans ended up on the field as well. That wasn’t a good thing for us. We had exactly 2 fans that night. My mom and Wendy. The best they were going to do in this situation is yell from the stands. We also had a couple of girls playing with us, who thankfully made sure to get off the field. That left us with 5 people on the field to their 30. Since I was the biggest guy they had like 10 guys surrounding me yelling at me in Spanish. I don’t know much of the language but knew enough to know they weren’t happy and wanted a fight. I had my hands up saying I wasn’t going to fight when out of nowhere a guy tried to sucker punch me. I stepped out of the way at the last second leaving myself completely exposed. The guy in front of me saw his opening and took it. He was about 6’2″ and maybe about 180 pounds. As big as he was, he definitely wasn’t a man. A man doesn’t do what he did. As I was dodging the sucker punch he lined me up and kicked a field goal. That’s right!!. I’m surrounded, with no chance to defend myself, and this joker decides to kick me in the nuts. He didn’t miss either. I almost puked but managed to hold it in as I doubled over in sheer agony.
My brother saw the whole thing and came to my aid quickly. He sprinted through the circle of attackers ready to pounce on me, and exacted swift revenge. I can still picture as clear as day what happened next. He ran through everyone and blindsided this kid with the most vicious tackle I have ever seen. He picked him up, and with all his weight drove this guy into the turf. The guy folded like a cheap accordion as he hit the ground, most assuredly breaking a number of ribs. While both Kyle and my attacker were still on the ground their fans and players joined the fun. The started trying to kick and punch Kyle and our other players. Even a lady with a baby was swinging. It was silly. I was just grabbing guys and throwing them off the pile. I had so much adrenalin that these guys were just flying. We managed to fend them off with only the 5 of us but only after the site manager yelled out INS. I’ve never seen a place clear out so fast. I swear their whole team including fans was gone in under a minute.
When the coast was finally clear I dropped to the ground and started balling (pun intended) like a baby. I’ve never felt so much pain in my entire life. There was no doubt in my mind that my nuts had surely exploded from the impact of THE KICK. It was so bad that we had to call 911 to make sure my masculinity was still intact. I even thought one was gone. It turns out that it just got jammed back up into its original hiding place. No real shock there considering the force my manhood had just endured.  Thankfully it didn’t take long to return to its rightful home. The pain however was a different story. Now you will only understand this if you are a guy, but it felt like I was “blue” for almost six months. That right six whole months. I also had a bruise that covered my leg down to my knee. Needless to say that wasn’t a good feeling.
I finished out the session but never played there after that. As for the other team… they were banned for a year for their actions. The guy that kicked me got a life time suspension. I think he got off easy. The most interesting part of this whole ordeal is that it was being filmed. One of the fans from the other team recorded the whole time. We even went to them to get a copy of the tape but they weren’t willing to give it to us. They thought we were gonna press charges, but we just wanted to see it. I would love to see a copy of that tape today.

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